Thus Spoke Vagina

“Silence is worse; all truths that are kept silent become poisonous.”

Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Greetings. I am Vagina, the Eternal Recurrence of the Feminine. I have a few things to say to all of you. Some of them are secret. Some of them are obvious. All art important. Thus Spoke Vagina. 

Thus Spoke VaginaFrom the dawn of time, the vagina has been both worshipped and maligned by men of this world. Vaginas are worshipped as the entrance to desire. They have also been maligned as being the mysterious exit of all things bloody and living.

This duality seems to confuse and conflict the male mind.

The Bible reflects this confusion. Leviticus 15:

19 “‘When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.

20 “‘Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. 21 Anyone who touches her bed will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 22 Anyone who touches anything she sits on will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 23 Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, they will be unclean till evening.

24 “‘If a man has sexual relations with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean.”

The Holy natural

But we know better now. The wholly natural (or holy natural) function of the female body is the eternal feminine that gives life to all. Yet the vagina and its menstrual functions once were (and perhaps still are, by the ignorant) regarded as an illness of body and spirit. Religion reviled the vagina for its parallel function as dispenser of life potential that was not needed. Those two functions of life creation and dispenser are equal, not disparate.And isn’t is somehow ironic that this cycle is called menstruation?

A woman who conceives two children in her lifetime makes use of two eggs out of an estimated 400 that emerge from one million follicles in the ovaries present at birth. All other eggs are shed through the vagina.

That means if you believe in God, it stands to reason that God is fine with the mathematics of the vagina. Having two children equates to a .005 reproduction rate of children versus eggs produced in a lifetime. Even a woman that has ten children has a reproductive rate of 0.025. The world record for the most children produced in a lifetime is 69 by Valentina Vassilyeva. Even that represents a .17% reproductive rate against a typical lifetime yield of eggs.

All the rest of the eggs are vanquished to the eternal feminine. They depart from the body in an offering of blood through the vagina on a monthly cycle.

Numbers game

It all makes perfect sense because all of life––and human evolution––is a numbers game. If a woman were intended to conceive with every egg she develops in her body, she would spend 3,600 months pregnant. That’s equivalent to 300 years. Despite what the Bible contends about the long lives of human beings at one point in history, there are no medically credible records of human beings having lived much past 100 years. The rest is oral history and undependable.

So it is impossible to expect every egg to become a human being, because women can’t possibly live long enough to make that happen. That means the notion that mining eggs for stem cells or any other scientific purpose is completely legitimate. All other exaggerations of purpose and biotic potential are lies. That includes zygotes and embryos whose storage is a product of fertility studies or second-guessing the reproductive numbers game. That’s not playing God. It is harvesting some of nature’s mysteries to solve some of life’s most vexing challenges of disease, disability and human adaptation.

It all comes down to numbers in the end. And given the fact that women become reproductively inactive sometime after the age of 50, it means that in the last 30 years of a woman’s life, her vagina is no longer intended to be used for procreation. That’s how life works. It would not do well for women to give birth at 70 years of age and then die when their children are only 10 years old. It makes no biological or spiritual sense.

Reproductive games

So the vagina goes into a reproductive retirement, as it were. No longer do women have to menstruate once the vagina has served its reproductive purpose and shed all 400 eggs, or turned them into a few children. That certainly does not mean a woman needs to cease using her vagina to have sex. God and the Bible say nothing about that requirement. In fact, the end of the reproductive years seems instead to imply, “Have at it baby. You’ve earned it.”

Birth control

So who’s to say that birth control is not an acceptable practice during the reproductive years? Well, plenty of people have something to say about that.

Religious traditions have tried to play tricks with the birth control process for centuries. The Catholic faith has long advocated a birth control approach called the Rhythm Method. It tells people who want to have sex without producing children to avoid “high-risk” periods when female ovulation cycles most readily produce pregnancies.

But that’s playing games with God if you think about it. The intent to avoid having children through the rhythm cycle is no different from putting on a condom or taking a birth control pill. The intent and the outcome is the same. Pun intended.

What does it really mean to “multiply?”

The Genesis passage call to “be fruitful and multiply” has also long been used to suggest that the vagina has just one function in this world. But the phrase could just as likely suggest that the urgent call to “be fruitful” and multiply in fact applies to producing believers in God.

That interpretation places no holds on the number of people the vagina is supposed to produce. Instead the phrase “be fruitful and multiply” places the burden on nurturing and caring for all those born into this world, thereby multiplying the Kingdom of God. Voila! No more pressure on the vagina.

Sperm counts for nothing

But speaking of multiplication. Consider the fact that when men ejaculate, they typically emit 250,000,000 sperm. If a typical couple has sex twice a week, that’s half a billion sperm a week, and a billion per month. That’s 12 billion per year, and 480 billion in 40 years of sexual activity. Pretty much, that suggests that almost all sperm counts for nothing. We should not try to pretend that is not true. Onanism based on the idea that it is a sin for a man to “spill his seed” was in fact about defying intent rather than lack of intent.

But of course, when a man ejaculates into a woman’s vagina, a great many pleasurable sensations occur. And if a man respects a woman and her sexual needs, there can be equal pleasure for the woman, whose clitoris, vagina and uterus can all combine to produce orgasm. It is no coincidence that both men and women are known to emit the words “Oh God” during moments of sexual pleasure. The vagina is something of a holy place in that sense, for it provides one of the foundations for heterosexual union. So it turns out all that sperm and the vagina do have legitimate parallel purposes in this world.

As it turns out, the Bible recognizes the importance of sexual union. As noted in the Song of Songs, this metaphorical passages suggests metaphysical potential:

Song of Songs:

Listen! My beloved!
    Look! Here he comes,
leaping across the mountains,
    bounding over the hills.

Those mountains and hills are metaphorical, you see, depicting moments of desire and pursuit. The mounds of the breast and mons venus call out, driving desire in the man, whose fitness for procreation is represented by his bounding health.

Sex for pleasure is quite acceptable in the eyes of God, and certainly indicated by the mathematics of nature. With 400 eggs essentially shed through the vagina over a lifetime, and millions of sperm “wasted” during each sexual union that does not result in a fertilized egg, there is no real call to worry about a bit of wasted sperm or an egg.

As for the foundational claim that sex is supposed to be confined to bonds of marriage, that is all well and good. We see models of fidelity in so-called “lower creatures” such as cranes and geese, apes and even reptiles, to some degree. The Bible attempts to depict the ultimate fidelity as monogamy, yet even on this topic it disses marriage through Paul, who write that celibacy is yet superior to having sex at all. And if we followed that logic literally, there would be no human beings left on earth at all.

So clearly there is some hyperbole at work here. This is what Paul actually wrote: “Now concerning virgins, I have no command of the Lord, but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a virgin marries, she does not sin. Yet those who marry will experience distress in this life, and I would spare you that.

I mean, brothers and sisters, the appointed time has grown short; from now on, let even those who have wives be as though they had none, and those who mourn as thought they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no possessions, and those who deal with the world as thought they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. . . .

If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his fiancée, if his passions are strong, and so it has to be, let him marry as he wishes; it is no sin. Let them marry. But if someone stands firm in his resolve, being under no necessity but having his own desire under control, and has determined in his own mind to keep her as his fiancée, he will do well. So then, he who marries his fiancée does well; and he who refrains from marriage will do better.

A wife is bound as long as her husband lives. But if the husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, only in the Lord. But in my judgment she is more blessed if she remains as she is.”

As can be discerned from Paul’s urgency here, there is a felt “crisis” approaching. That is, he anticipates the end of the world as we know it. He feels the return of Christ is imminent. Well, that was 2000 years ago, give or take a few. It’s a bit hard to argue that amount of time amounts to nothing.

So what was Paul intimating when he said “those who marry will experience distress in life?” He’s admitting that marriage is not all that it is cracked up to be. He’s also telling virgins not to give it up before the world ends, and he who marries his fiancée does well; and he who refrains from marriage will do better.

Quite clearly the struggle for clarity on marriage and its merits had problems even for Paul, whose advice also stands in direct conflict to the Genesis passage to “be fruitful and multiply” as a call for sexual commitment to reproduction. What we find instead is that Paul advocates the more metaphorical interpretation of that passage to be desirable. That is, we should be fruitful in multiplying the Kingdom of God.

And you can have plenty of sex and still do that. Marriage as an institution of child-rearing is fine and functional, perhaps vitally necessary. So let’s accept that gay marriage is just as functional a capacity to do that? You don’t need to screw and produce a kid yourself to be a good parent. Adoptive parents are patent proof of that.

The narrow definition that says only there’s a direct line relationship between penises and vaginas and parenting is frankly full of it. Parenting, just like the kingdom of God, is all about love, not sex.

Vaginas and penises frankly deserve much more freedom than that. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, after all.

What’s good for the goose

For starters, it’s good for the penis and the male reproductive system to ejaculate. Physicians have been known to recommend frequent ejaculation to relieve pressure on the prostate gland and other health benefits, possibly even preventing prostate cancer. It doesn’t do any good to have sperm laying around too long.

Likewise for the vagina, where blood flow to the region and stimulation of sex can be generally good for female health. A vagina like any organ of the human body does require some other types of attention to be healthy. Just remember, “The pH of semen is basic, whereas the pH of the vagina is acidic.” Check out the link to see recommendations about that little piece of yin and yang.

So let’s turn around and give the Bible a touch of credit on some fronts. The advice about sexual health in the link above in some ways follows this line from Leviticus: “When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening.”

There’s a strange lesson in that passage, and it is one that is often ignored. Sexuality is about equality. Men bear equal responsibility in the sexual process, and women have a right to hold them to that.

Next to godliness

Cleanliness is definitely a good thing with a vagina or a penis. The complexity of a vagina sometimes makes this a more difficult thing, and that’s yet another reasons why women are so amazing. They do so much “behind the scenes” work taking care of their vaginas that most men never need consider. Women also do so generally without complaint despite myriad social demands placed upon them by their partners or society. They just quietly walk with their purses to the bathroom and take care of business. Most men are none the wiser.

But here comes the awkward part. There are still entire populations of men who only want to think about vaginas when they think it’s time for sex. When these men are in fact forced to think about vaginas as anything other than sexual receptacles, the patriarchal elements of society tend to fight back and tell women to shut up. Some of these awkwardly ignorant men become politicians and seek to impose their close-minded view on women’s health and reproductive rights through legislation that defunds women’s healthcare.

Anti-vagina agendas

This anti-vagina (actually anti-woman) agenda emerges in highly conflicted ways. Male cretins such as Rush Limbaugh brand women “sluts” for speaking out on behalf of reproductive rights.Shaming women for wanting to take control of their own vaginas has a long history, but has recently become a flashpoint in neoconservative politics, with politicians moralizing and proposing laws that require intrusive procedures to gain access to reproductive services, banning birth control access and actually blaming women for being raped.

Symbolic failures

female-symbolThe yin and yang of sexual politics is full of such contrasts. The symbol for male and female are different, for sure, yet not all people are confined to those categories of sexual identification.There are people with organs of both sexes, and people who seek help in acquiring a clearer sexual identity because society in some cases demands it of them. The discomfort in some sectors with the sexual transformation of Caitlyn Jenner is one such high profile case of coming to grips with sexual identity and orientation.

But there’s more. There are men who desire men and women who desire women. It’s simply not all wine and roses out there. Some of the roses want to be with other roses.

Male-SymbolAnd yet, the Bible complains a bit about that. The book of Leviticus is quite direct.“‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”

But you know, there’s one little problem with this statement if we take it literally. A man simply does not have a vagina. It is simply impossible for a man to have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. There’s no vagina there!

Sex acts

So the old ownership rules really never did apply. And homosexual relations, well, there’s just not that much there either. Anal sex is just that. It’s anal sex. No harm if done with adequate respect and intelligence. Same with oral sex.

It seems to be sex without the goal of reproduction that some people protest. There’s always a little fear mixed in with these objections. People that do not understand the desires of others often find those desires objectionable. It’s really not much different in rooting for NFL football teams. A Green Bay Packers fan finds the idea of rooting for the Chicago Bears unconscionable and weird, and vice versa. The same holds true for supposedly ardent heterosexuals opposing those who accept and root for the LGBT community.


I’ve always wondered how a pro football team would do if they were named the Virginia Vaginas? After all, there are jiggling, twerking cheerleaders on the sidelines of most football fields. Can there be any denying what millions of men are thinking when they see those girls shaking what they got in front of the camera? That’s right: men want those vaginas. Those boobs. That butt.

And to some degree, women seem able to cope with that leering aspect of male behavior. Male testosterone covers the American landscape like one giant cum ocean. Indeed most pornography films these days end with men coming all over the face of their female companions. Could there be any clearer example of male dominance and ownership of women than that?

Porn, politics and the rape of America

It’s no coincidence that the language and philosophy of pornography so closely resemble that of politicians passing vagina-oriented legislation. The idea that women should have control over their sexual behavior is anathema to male politicians with the half-formed “logic” of ancient scriptural claims behind them. These men behave as if treating women like anything other than a sperm receptacle is a notion foreign to them.

The New York Times reports that 1 in 5 women report having been sexually assaulted. To be clear: “The researchers defined rape as completed forced penetration, forced penetration facilitated by drugs or alcohol, or attempted forced penetration.”

It is clear the female vagina is a clear target for male sexual aggression, violence and domestic violence. Yet there are male politicians that insist any pregnancy resulting from rape should be carried to term. They have also claimed that rape rarely results in pregnancy, and that a pregnancy resulting from rape should never allowed to be terminated in abortion.

Rep. Todd Akin’s (R-Mo.) further demonstrated the confused state of conservative male politicans toward issues of the vagina by asserting that women rarely become pregnant from “legitimate rape.”

A society led by politicians so conflicted by ignorance and confusion over what constitutes equality and basic human rights cannot think clearly about an issue as important as women’s reproductive rights. If vaginas truly could talk, they surely would speak out against all those with penises seeking to control, cajole and subjugate vaginas through scripture, politics and outright force.






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