Credulity: a tendency to be too ready to believe that something is real or true.

The Chicago Tribune Travel section published a front page feature titled “Noah’s Ark Is a Big Deal.” The writer Josh Noel struggled mightily to remain objective in reviewing this tourist attraction in Kentucky fashioned after the biblical story of an ark that ostensibly carried breeding pairs of all the creatures on the earth.

But let’s start by offering up some facts. There are currently more than 10,000 species of birds in the world, a staggering figure all on its own. These species range from a thumb-sized hummingbird that lives in the tropical rainforest and feeds on tiny flowers to the eight-foot-tall ostrich that lives in hot, dry desert environments and eats whatever food it can find. There are flightless penguins that depend on cold Antarctic waters for protein and flightless cormorants that fish from the rocks of the Galapagos Islands in the South American Pacific. This diversity demands answers on how these species could arrive at and survive on an ark for which Noah supposedly gathered food for the needs of tens of thousands of species in advance of a 40-day flood.

The story of the Ark insists that one man was somehow able to provide food for more than 10,000 species of birds, all with specific dietary needs. There are also 5,416 species known species of mammals in the world.

But the really staggering appeal is that there are an estimated 30 million species of insects in existence on our planet. Consider that figure for a moment: 30 Million types of insects requiring specific host plants on which to breed and survive once they were released from the supposed confines of an Ark measuring only 500 meters long.

That’s a structure only five football fields long (either European or American football, take your pick) in which one man provided room and board for 30 million species of insects.

Of course, we also have to account for all the species that human beings have wiped out over the years. Just over 100 years ago market hunters drove an estimated 3 billion passenger pigeons to extinction. We also know that megafauna species such as wooly mammoth and mastodon once resided in North America, and were likely also hunted to extinction during the early settlement of the North American continent by people who emigrated from Asia. We know this because the genetic history of these people traces directly back to the Asian continent.

Chosen People 

Of course, that story defies the popular storyline that descendants of a “favored” (ne: white) race of people from the European continent sooner or later “discovered” America via a route across the Atlantic Ocean about 500 years ago. Or, as the subject of even more credulity, that a race of principally white people lived in America and gave rise to the Mormon religion. The fact that all these brands of Chosen People proceeded to commit documented genocide against the people, flora and fauna of this “new” continent is evidence of something else entirely. Mostly that they were ungodly, to say the least. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

Because first, we have to deal with the contention, according to the literal interpretation of the Bible favored by the Noah’s Ark museum, that humans once co-existed even with dinosaurs. So let’s consider the general history of dinosaurs. Scientists have documented more than 700 species of dinosaurs from the fossil record and by careful extrapolation posited the that there were between 1500- and 2500 species of dinosaurs in the world at one time.

This is much lower than the number of bird species now known to occupy the planet. But paleontological studies have shown that birds are essentially “living dinosaurs” and an extension of the dinosaur lineage known from the fossil record. Creationists defending the Ark Encounter might proudly claim this proves their point, that human beings can co-exist with dinosaurs. The problem with this contention is that creationists of the order that believes in a literal Noah’s Ark are incredulous about the theory of evolution, upon which basis the connection between extinct forms of dinosaurs and current forms of living birds firmly depends. To make one assertion without the other is a falsehood on the order of claiming that Jesus was not the Son of God, to put it in religious terms. In other words, a scientific blasphemy.

But let’s consider the practical issues on a sustained basis. There are genuine problems with the notion that the ark could somehow hold the largest pairs of dinosaurs. Just one Apatosaurus had an average length of 21–22.8 m (69–75 ft), and an average mass of 16.4–22.4 t (16.1–22.0 long tons; 18.1–24.7 short tons). Imagine dozens of dinosaurs of gargantuan size, and the amount of plants and meat required to keep them alive for 40 days. The story of the Ark and Noah quickly begins to sink like a stone.

Abomination

Thus credulity is a great problem for the abomination of a tourist attraction now resting on a plot of land near a manmade lake in Kentucky. The rationalizations to justify its creation are so manifold that no rational person can abide by them. Yet as writer Josh Noel acknowledges, the temptations to believe are inviting. “To these agnostic eyes, most stirring were the explanations of how the ark would have functioned. How did Noah and crew feed all these animals? Dump all that animal waste? Ventilate the ship? Gather fresh water? Let in light? Ark Encounter gives us answers in poster and video form, and they involve intricate systems that seem plausible enough. The ark is otherwise a fairly exhaustive look at what life would have been like on it…”

But given the massive lack of detail in the story of Noah’s ark, the museum Ark Encounter is a massive adventure in speculation. Then the author notices something odd in the display. “On the fourth floor, Noah and company relax in their rather plush living quarters. It’s also where I spied uniformed Answers In Genesis security guards wearing guns on their hips. Guns? On Noah’s Ark? Really?

“Yeah, well, that’s the world we live in,” an usher said.

Indeed it is. And by that measure, imagine the good that $100 million spent on creating Ark Encounter could have done to invest in the improvement of the human condition? Rather than recreating an incredibly implausible fantasy tale, that $100M could have  by been used to further access to modern agriculture for people in need, or provide vital water to needy children dying in the deserts of Africa. Instead, it stands as an 8th-grade level poster child for religious fundamentalism.

What would Jesus Do? 

The fact of the matter, if we study the real message of Jesus in the Bible, is that the Son of God would not have approved of all that excess and glitz. The Bible clearly shows Jesus castigating those who make displays of their righteousness and pray in public. And to set the record straight, Jesus himself employed highly organic parables featuring stories drawn from nature to illustrate spiritual principles. When questioned by his own disciples why he chose to use those methods of teaching rather than speak in literal terms, he castigated them, asking, “Are you so dull?” Jesus then explained that people needed allegories to better understand the working mind of God. And that is the foundation for the entire bed of scripture we know as the Holy Bible. For Christians it is the ark of our understanding afloat on a sea of fear, lost hopes and thirst for love and knowledge.

Jesus and metaphor

Jesus believed in metaphor because it does the work of God. Thus he almost violently resisted the efforts of those attempting to turn literal interpretations of scripture into law. As if to make that specific point, Jesus branded the Chief Priests of his day a “brood of vipers” and “hypocrites” for turning scripture into law. In other words, they were openly manipulating the nature of God’s Word.

The Book of John lucidly outlines this relationship between the metaphorical  Word and the foundation of all knowing. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.”

This crucial passage from the New Testament does not demand that the Bible be taken literally. In fact, it demands quite the opposite. If the Word is an interchangeable way to describe God, then in both definition and practical purpose it is a metaphor. Case closed.

That makes the Ark Encounter a massive lie based on a literal interpretation of a story from the bible. The Noachian Flood may have roots in real events, but it is clearly limited in its understanding of what the “world” as a whole actually meant. Remember that there would still be an argument from the viewpoint of the Catholic Church that the Earth was the center of the universe, and the Sun revolved around it. Some believed for a very long time the earth was flat. These were all falsehoods debunked when empiric evidence proved otherwise. Yet religious leaders persecuted those who refused to accept the religious narrative. And that process continues to this day.

The Bible instead depends on the tool of metaphor for its knowledge foundation and our understanding of spirituality and the expression of the Kingdom of God here on earth. Jesus would tell the creators of the Ark Encounter that they have squandered an opportunity to do real good in this world in trying to win favor with God.

The Ark Encounter thus symbolizes the flood of misunderstanding, anti-intellectualism and science that is vexing our nation and the world to this very day. That is the real tragedy of the Noachian Flood, for it persists like the stench of muddy water across the landscape. If we are not willing to do the work to reconcile modern knowledge with the metaphorical foundations of the bible, then human beings as a race are doomed to die in a flood of our own stupidity.

Christopher Cudworth is the author of The Genesis Fix: A Repair Manual for Faith in the Modern Age. It addresses the many ways that biblical literalism affects politics, culture and the environment. Originally published in 2007, the book is being re-released on Amazon.com in 2016. His book The Right Kind of Pride: Character, Caregiving and Community, a journey through cancer survivorship, can be purchased on Amazon.com. 

Just let Donald Trump keep the jacket with the spangled epaulets for now. He would surely look as good as the late Muammar Gaddafi, once did, or Saddam Hussein. Both were dictators installed, at one point in history, by the leaders of the Banana Republican Party.

They could also dress up The Donald in military fatigues like Manuel Noriega and all those other Banana Republican dictators marching around in army gear like overgrown children.

Donald Trump will surely try to make the spangled shoulder jacket look good. He can hang his newly-earned Purple Heart medal for valor on the front. “I’ve always wanted one of these,” he can say, glancing down at the Emperor’s New Clothes. It’s just like a scene from the end of the Wizard of Oz. It’s so easy.

This is what the Republican Party has become. A Banana Republic built around appearances, not substance. Gone are the days of Dwight D. Eisenhower, who warned us to dissolve the military-industrial complex before it consumed our nation. Too bad. Too late. The military-obsessed leaders of the Banana Republican Party are so deep in guns they can’t even get out the side door of the compound. While locked in that backroom with all their weapons, a stooge named Donald Trump walked in the side door, found a spangled jacket that fit him in the front room and went walking out on the balcony where the masses waiting to hear the results of the coup gathered in furious rage to meet their new leader. And when The Donald emerged on that balcony, and the crowd below started to cheer, the Banana Republican leaders in the back room of the compound stood there with wide eyes asking, “What the fuck is happening out there?”

That’s how it works in a banana republic. You can’t always predict who’s going to come into power. Now the leaders of the Banana Republicans are left screaming at each in the backrooms, shaking weapons over their heads and screaming about yet another coup because that’s the only way they can Take Back America. But first, they have to figure out what to do about The Donald. Do they simply shoot him in the head, the way they shot John F. Kennedy?

That’s how it’s been ever since the communist-hating zealots of a conservative bent formed the CIA to create a shadow government funded by money from the Nazi-loving Bush family. The whole thing is run by graduates of those overheated Skull & Bones Society jungle lords, whose dark ranks came out to put a hit on the Kennedy brothers and cover it all up. That fake story never really added up. It would require the hapless shooter in the Book Depository to curl bullets from the back around front to strike the President’s skull. Well, perhaps that’s just the Jungle Voodoo of the Banana Republicans at work. But it’s a lie, and America still needs to call it what it is. The work of Banana Republicans.

Power has a peel

The Banana Republicans don’t believe in any power but their own, and they’re unafraid to think big. They tried under Reagan to pull off the big Iran-Contra coup (and a few others) to prop up a banana republic of choice. But they got caught, and people went to jail. Yet men like Oliver North got out of jail to go give speeches at Christian organizations about how he was moved by a power higher than the law to act as he did.

And members of the Banana Republican Party cheered him on. Because the men on the balcony always look so dashing in their uniforms when they give their speeches with clenched fists and jaws. What’s not to like?

Lt. Col. Oliver North is sworn in July 7, 1987 before the Iran Contra Committee prior to his testimony. North testified that he “never personally discussed” the diversion of Iranian arms sales profits to Contra rebels with President Reagan. (AP Photo/Lana Harris)

That’s how Banana Republicans operate. There is always some “higher cause” they claim to represent while they murder and launder money from dollars to Euros to pesos to drugs. It’s all the same capital to them. They build up forces in the sweaty jungles of Congressional backrooms and change the Rules of Order in government to suit their needs.

It’s like a Jungle Parade. Newt Gingrich. Tom Delay. Paul Ryan. All smiling dictators whose belief systems formed from twisted versions of thoughts from leaders in history and literature, good or bad. That’s the method of Banana Republicans, who have drawn inspiration in works ranging from The Holy Bible to Mein Kampf. With no distinction, as a rule.

Their conscience evaporates in the process of trying to reconcile these disparate ideologies. Their only real concern, in the end, is gaining power and wealth.

And those instincts are so closely tied to their typically repressed sexual fervor they cannot seem to contain themslves when faced with fleshly temptations, because those are so immediate and gratifying.

That’s why the likes of Dennis Hastert wound up playing pocket pool with young boys in the backwoods of tiny Yorkville, Illinois. And why Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump have traded in wives faster than they have traded ambitions. They see their conquests no differently than a Sandanista roaring through the pitted jungle roads, mashing frogs and perhaps a few young children as they go. This is the price of progress, they say. They hide dark secrets about young girls raped over pool tables in sweaty, smoke-filled rooms, and slap each other on the backs about getting away with it. “Gave her the old Banana that time, didn’t we?”

And we must throw Bill Clinton into this bunch as well. He was a Banana Republican in some senses, shifting jobs to Mexico through NAFTA in collaboration with the Banana Republicans controlling Congress in his day. And he certainly slipped a few gals the Old Banana.

And when authorities track them rumors get back to the Banana Republican compound, we too often young girls wait chained to the walls for entertainment and sweaty fervor. But the Banana Republican world loves to hide dark secrets about young girls raped over pool tables in smoke-filled rooms. And when finished, they slap each other on the backs about the mercies of getting away with it. “Gave her the Old Banana that time, didn’t we?” How appealing it all seems at the time.

Until you get caught

At this moment there are swirling tales lurking about the likes of Donald Trump having his way with young women. Sexual scandals and politics go hand in hand, so to speak. But The Donald doesn’t even need backroom rape in his dossiere to prove himself a Banana Republican brute. He’s publicly lusted after his own daughter, fawning over her on the balcony while his cheering, leering supporters shout support from below.

But let’s admit something up front. The Donald is actually only the peel of the banana when it comes to Banana Republicans. He’ll likely to be soon be tossed aside by the real organizers of the hopeless coup that once prided itself on the name Grand Old Party. Well, it’s old, and perhaps can’t get it up any longer, but that hasn’t stopped the GOP from trying repeatedly to rape the country. From Reaganomics through the last Bush administration, middle-class America has been raped and pillaged for its net worth. All that money migrated to the top 1%, to the Dictators, in other words, who happily flick cigar ashes down on the crowd and call it Trickle Down Economics. Welcome to the Banana Republic of the GOP. Don’t slip on those banana peels.

Cigars, cigarettes, Tiparillos?

Behind the scenes, the real power behind the Banana Republican Party is in an angry panic right now. They’ve taken up smoking principally to calm their nerves. But every time they mistakenly allow a piece of freshly lit Banana Republican tobacco to flutter off the balcony, new ground fires come roaring back. The whole compound might soon go up in smoke.

The cheering they once heard outside the walls of the Republican Compound are at becoming desperate, angry and afraid. Their hero Donald Trump seems to be struggling to bear the weight of his own dandy epaulets.

Now whispers of another Big Coup are floating about. But let us recall that the last Big Coup occurred with the support of those Banana Republicans on the Kangaroo Supreme Court, who installed Bush and Cheney, which turned into a massive failure from which the Jungle Party has been trying to recover for eight long years. This failed coup drives them coconuts, and they keep blaming it on the natives, who they despise. It make them really nuts  that one of hated tribe has had control of the Republica they once claimed is their own. Remember, the “white house” is supposed to be the center of the Banana Republican Compound. As Michelle Obama so recently noted, it was erected on the backs of the very natives that now occupy the place. This makes Banana Republicans sweat blood at the thought.

Justice served

But this is how things work when a nasty little thing like democracy, equality and civil rights get a foothold. The “colored people” that the Banana Republicans so squeamishly avoid and spit on when from the balconies are supposedly beneath this station. Banana Republicans would rather just herd them all up and put them in pens and throw them bananas. It is the belief among so many that the natives are not much better than the monkeys living in the trees. Banana Republicans preach this in their schools hosted in concrete wall buildings on the outskirts of the Banana Republican compound.

How telling it is, perhaps, that these same Banana Republicans cannot believe that human beings descended from other apes. They love to rule the jungle and stand on their balconies with spangly jackets. But they cannot conceive that the steamy jungle in their minds is far more dark and dangerous place than the real thing.

And The Donald is the perfect symbol of all that. The Banana Republican Party is just how it appears: mean, nasty and afraid of the very people it claims to represent.