With the unrepentant whore of capitalism Donald Trump (several bankruptcies, and “You’re fired mentality) leading the Republican polls, it’s time to seriously consider if the modern version of Babylon has fully arrived.

We are either at the cusp of a real financial Armageddon or else Trump really is the Second Coming of a financial savior. That is indeed what the investment angels of Wall Street have been seeking for years, because it’s honestly going to take a miracle or the end of the world as we know it to put America back at the top of its world economic game. 

But if The Donald really is a Messiah of some sort, he’s certainly not hewing anywhere close to the model of Jesus Christ. He came out swinging with that slam on Mexicans, which set quite well with the wealthy oligarchs and the bigoted Tea Party henchman that guard the gates of Free Market Heaven. You can almost hear the cries of ecstasy from the radical right. “Jesus Christ!” they exclaim. “This guy’s the real deal!” 

But when Trump went ahead and made the claim that the American economy actually does better under Democrats than Republicans, all hell broke loose in the minds of true Republican believers.

Whip it good

Trump simply does not act like the original conservative Messiah. That would be The Ronald, otherwise known as Ronald Reagan. He was the supposed Great Communicator that strolled onto the American scene like a trustworthy uncle seeking to save the family fortune.

Then it turned out that The Ronald mortgaged his soul by selling arms to Iran in exchange for money to execute a government overthrow in Central America. Reagan was forced to use his finest acting skills trying to sell that bit of illegal farce to the American People. Then he turned around and admitted that he’d been fibbing all along. As a result, his minions fell on their swords so that the legend of Ronald Reagan with its armored chest and feet of clay could remain standing tall. 

America should have learned its lesson from that stinking cesspool of deception. Instead Reagan has remained perched on his conservative pedestal as if he never did anything wrong in his life. That sets the stage for the likes of Donald Trump. 

A modern King Herod

The Reagan legacy makes it all the easier for a man like Donald Trump to waltz onto the scene as if he has never done anything wrong either. Never mind that Trump has spent his entire public career acting like King Herod, fawning and preening over himself while taunting men like Barack Obama over their birthrights and intellect.

But a certain brand of stupid Americans buy his schtick. “He speaks his mind,” say his political defenders…as if that were enough moxie to justify a loyal following. If that were the case, John the Baptist would never have lost his head. Let’s also not forget that it was the vengeful demand of a dancing girl that put poor John to waste. 

But we’re not hollering about the arrival Messiah over the River Jordan in this day and age. The stakes have gotten higher. Much higher, according to some, with America playing a lead role in a Revelatory play about Babylon thanks to abortion and gay marriage. America as a Republic is on the verge of a holy Armageddon according to religious prognosticators such as Pat Buchanan and Pat Robertson. 

Right behind

There are some, especially those who read the contents of outrageously non-biblical books in the Left Behind series, who believe that the Book of Revelation can be trusted and read as a playbook for the End Times. It is their contention that there are signs of the End Times all around us. 

If so, how can the legitimately ignore the visage of one Donald Trump? This guy represents the anti-Christ if there ever was one!

But wait. Trump claims to be a Republican, so he’s relatively safe among conservative believers, who are taught to believe that the anti-Christ could never come from the ranks of the GOP.

What a Great Deceiver the anti-Christ turns out to be. And it’s all so predictable. The bible makes clear that the men in direct conflict with Jesus were the Republicans of his day, the Pharisees, whom Jesus called “hypocrites” and a “brood of vipers.” 

What would Jesus do? 

Perhaps today’s Republicans are just not picking up on the message that Jesus did not like religious and political conservatives as a rule.

In fact Jesus was more likely to hang out with whores and hated tax collectors in the interest of enlightening the populace about the real nature of saving souls. So perhaps it is time to rally a populist movement based on the example of Jesus? 

What if a political party of real and open sinners were to take center stage rather than rely on the hypocritical brand of closeted sinners currently running the GOP––and some other parties. What populist electorate has the financial punch and popularity to send a shock wave through modern politics. That’s right: the time is right for the emergence of the Porn Party.

Internet sensation

Pornography is one of the most popular forms of entertainment in the world. It’s a form of entertainment that literally drove the Internet to its current level of popularity and sophistication.

It shouldn’t be hard to find a Porn Party candidate people can get behind and truly embrace. Porn is, after all, a far more popular form of entertainment than boring old actor hacks like Ronald Reagan, whose best role involved messing around with a chimpanzee in a movie titled Bedtime for Bonzo.

Actually, from the sound of that movie title, we were pretty close to electing the leader of the Porn Party in the 1980s. Nothing like a little chimpanzee bestiality to get the political blood flowing, we always say.

Raking it in

With the porn industry raking in between $4B (according to Forbes.com) and $14B a year, mostly through the Internet, all it would take to form a political action committee is a few of those ads featuring throbbing breasts and an invitation to contribute $1.69 to elect a President to guarantee the continued flow of free porn to all. 

Then there needs to be an icon that can run for President. If it’s all about looking Presidential that honor could go to the likes of Peter North, a handsome porn actor known for his prodigiously sized unit and a knack for pleasing the ladies. He should appeal to the Republican base as well, because he looks like a cross between a young Mitt Romney and a very happy Rick Santorum. Who, it turns out, has some quite interesting links to the gay porn industry. 

With his boy-next-door looks and a naughty guy reputation, Peter North (Go North for President!) could also score big with women voters who can’t resist a bad boy when they see one. His running mate could be the comely Jenna Jameson, who would deliver key name recognition right out of the gate. She apparently already has a following on Fox News. This is all coming together so sweetly!

Best of all, there’s really nothing hiding in either of their closets. For the first time in America’s history, the candidates for President and Vice President could run around naked in the White House and no one would be shocked. It turns out Bill Clinton was simply ahead of his time. 

The Donald comes clean

If you think Donald Trump is much different from Bill Clinton when it comes to his attitudes toward women and sex, consider the following statements he’s made in public:  

”All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected,” Trump once said.

“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful,” he insists.

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass,” is another of his statements.

A political pornographer

In other words, Donald Trump is already a political pornographer. So why should the pornography industry stand back and let a man with such vanity and bad hair hog all the limelight? All he needs is a pair of black socks and a POV iPhone video and the campaign will really be off and running. 

So hey, shouldn’t Donald Trump be running under the Porn ticket?

The voting bloc is out there. Millions of Americans look at pornography every day. If the Political Action Committee for the Porn Party were to collect just one dollar from every click on a paid porn site there would be billions in the bank overnight. The Donald would certainly love the sound of that. 

And with that kind of money back the movement, there could be Porn Party candidates running for political office all over the United States. Think of the interesting effect on local school boards! Kids would soon be reading erotic material in the classroom. Now there’s a way to incentivize kids to read!

The Porn Lobby

Ultimately we’d have lobbyists for the Porn Party in Washington itself! Well, considering the number of sex scandals we hear about in that city, the lobby for the Porn Party might actually be business as usual.

If Donald Trump really does win the Republican nomination, it appears the Porn Party will already be on its way to gaining its first political foothold in America. Stranger things have happened. Just ask Reagan what Bedtime for Bonzo was really like. It retrospect it really does sound a little kinky, don’t you think?