A Third Grader was given the assignment of writing Jesus’ life story in his own words. Here’s what he wrote.

MY LIFE AS JESUS

I do not remember much about being born. There was a Ghost who was my real Dad. My other Dad was named Joseph. His wife was named Mary. She was the lady who borned me. After that we traveled around a little. I got to know people like my family and my family’s family, and these Old Men at the temple. I listened to them a few times. Then when I was twelve, I stayed at the temple on my own, and my family was mad at me. I told them I was at my Dad’s house. They said “which dad, the Ghost dad or the Joseph dad?” I said not either. I told them it was my Dad Dad’s House.

We worked a lot and I became a carpenter. It was not much fun. Some of the other kids asked me why I had to work all the time. I told them, “My dad wants me to learn a trade and marry someone.” But my mom said, “No, your real dad has a job for you later.” I asked her, “Do you mean my Ghost dad or my Joseph dad? She said, “This job is for your Dad Dad.”

I was a teenager then. But there’s not much to know. I wasn’t allowed to do stuff and get in trouble like other teenagers. My Joseph Dad made me travel with him to make houses and stuff.” I finally got sick of that and left the house. I told my Mom Mary I loved her, and thanks for borning me. She said “No problem it was not that hard.”

Joseph Dad was bummed that I left home. He liked having help, and here I was moving away. “Where are you going to go?” he asked. I told him I did not know yet, but I might visit my Dad Dad’s house. That seemed to make Joseph Dad mad. He spit on the ground a little.

I met some guys at a lake when I was about thirty. I told them I just got a new job and would they like to join me? They said, “What do you do?” I said, “I will make you fishers of men.” They made funny faces and one threw a fish at me. But they came along and that was cool. Then I started telling stories to show them what our jobs would look like. We met other guys too. We had Twelve in our club. We ate together and talked a lot.

Then one of them asked. “How do we get paid?” I told them, “Don’t worry, my Dad will take care of us.” One of them said, “You told us you have at least two dads. Is that your Ghost Dad or your Joseph Dad, because they’re not around.” I said, “My Dad Dad says for us to share stories and people will take care of us.”

So we wandered around and I told stories about my Dad Dad and how people were not supposed to worry about life. My stories were about nature and life and people liked them, by the guys in our Disciples Club did not seem to get why I told stories rather than reading them out of a book like the Old Men at the temple did. I got a little mad and said, “Look, are you stupid or something? You hang out with me every day and know what my Dad tells us to do. But these people are not in our club, so I have to explain it like they are in school. Does that make sense?”

Some people heard that I fix things like people getting sick and even dying. I did what my Dad told me and thought that was enough. But more and more people kept coming because they thought I could fix everything and we had to go hide sometimes.

Before all that I met this guy in the wilderness who said, “You know, your Dad does not know everything. I know all kinds of things and can make your life a lot more easy if you work for me.” I told him that my Dad and I already had a ‘Dad and Son’ deal and I like to keep my word. He left me looking all mad and stuff. I was glad, because I do not like working with people like that.

I liked the people who did not act all big and stuff. Some of the ladies I met seemed smarter than some of the men I knew, especially this woman named Mary. She was even smarter than some of the guys in my club. I hung out with them some because we all knew how to relax and talk without trying to tell everybody else what to do.

Then some men from the temple came out to hear me tell stories and one of them was all snotty to me. He was asking if I knew all the rules of my Dad’s House. I told him, “Of course I do. He’s my Dad.” That made the guy really, really mad. He went running back to tell the Old Men at the temple what I said. They sent guys out to follow me around with my Club and every time they had questions so I just started asking them questions right back. That made them really, really mad.

One time we were way out of town and everyone was hungry and like I said my Dad kind of had connections even out there so everybody got to eat and by the time we got back to town the next day we heard that there were thousands of people that got fed. You know, people making things things sound bigger than they really. Let me tell you something. The miracle was that people were patient and listened and stayed until fish and bread was brought from a nearby town and everyone at least got something to eat. That was a miracle in my mind, that people were patient enough to trust me. That’s what my Dad wants people to do. He told people in the desert to be patient even though they had enough to eat, and they went and made a Golden Calf and told my Dad to take a hike. My dad was mad.

The Old Men at the temple heard about the things I was doing and I think they got jealous because it sounded like I was trying to be King or something. I kept telling people “I am only a king who tries to help people help others.”

They did not listen to me when I said that. My Disciples Club kept asking, “Well, what do you really want to be?” I told them, “I want to be loved and to love others in return. That is the only kingdom I have to offer right here where we are. You should try it.”

You know how people are. Ever since I was a little kid learning how to be a carpenter I saw how people try to get something for nothing. They would tell my Joseph Dad, “Look, you hae all this extra wood with you. Make us an extra room! Otherwise, you have to carry it all back with you. It would be easier to build something here than take it all back home.”

But my Joseph Dad was smart. He said to them, “How many rooms do you really need? Or are you asking me to build you a room so you can show off to your neighbors?”

I sometimes think my Joseph Dad was as smart as my Dad Dad.

One day I visited my Dad Dad’s house and saw people selling birds and stuff to make sacrifices to impress my Dad Dad. I told some of the people buying birds, “My Dad does not need you to do that. You can just talk to him anytime. I do.” One of the Old Men at the temple heard me say that and ran to get the other Old Men. They stood there shouting at me, calling me names and making mean faces. “We can throw you out of here!” they told me. “We have the right.”

“You don’t have nothin’,” I told them back. “You all think you know my Dad, but he is not happy about you bossy jerks!”

After that, they chased me to a garden and one of my Disciples Club chopped off an ear of one of their guards. That made them even madder. I told my Club to chill out.

It only got ugly then. They sent me to a guy named Herod who wanted me to do miracles for him like I was a monkey doing tricks. Then I got sent back to this Pilate Dude who told his bullies to beat me up and make fun of me. They dragged me out in the streets and made me carry a big cross. Then they stuck me on it by the arms and feet. That really hurt, and I was already hurting from all the beating. That was not really a Good Friday for me.

I died after they stuck me on that cross. But it took a while, and some guy stuck me with a spear to make sure I was dead.

The rest is kind of foggy to me. It was dark for a while but I could see Dad sitting over me like I was sick. Finally I felt better and decided to make tracks and get the heck out of there. Everybody seemed excited to see me. That was nice. But one guy told me I was a Poser. I said, “Okay Thomas, feel this.” He was grossed out but changed his mind.

I promised everyone they’d see me again but it would not be like it was before. They said “What do you mean?” So I said, “Don’t get too excited if there are fakers and stuff. People are not too smart, you know. If you want me to come back you have to make it happen by doing what I told you about treating other people right, and don’t act like the Old Men of the temple. They were not nice people. Not because they were Jewish. That’s what I am. It’s because they think they own my Dad’s House and want to tell everyone whether they can come in or not.

See, people do get to choose how they act and how they treat others. That’s all I am really asking. I think it is easiest if they follow what I say, but not all of that got into the Bible. The people who wrote it waited around too long, and people get things wrong sometimes because no one has a perfect memory. Not even my Dad. He forgets things sometimes too. That’s what happens when you get too old. That’s why I came around anyway. Dad was sort of losing it, you know?

And speaking of forgetting. I am still worried that people today are doing what those Old Men in the temple did by telling people they knew everything about my Dad. It has been two-thousand years since all that happened and it seems like the ‘not-too-smart’ people and the New Old Men of the temple are still doing things I do not like.

So, I am still waiting to return because they do not “get it.” They need to know that I only come back in the way that people do good things for each other and the Earth. And stop lying that Bad Men are Good People just so you can run things. Jesus, people are stupid sometimes.

My Dad is really patient and he’s like, sitting back these days to see how people do. I am frankly not so confident that I’ll ever get to come back in the way that people treat others. And a New Earth? Forget it. Look around. Most people are selfish pigs. I could fix this place and people would still trash it up.

Like I said, people are not too smart.